I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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