i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
