On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
