I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
