Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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