THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
