I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
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If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
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now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.