Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
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Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
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No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...