They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
