...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
