I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Ketchup is God's man juice
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
