Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
