last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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