One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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