he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
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Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
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Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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