I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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