Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
