just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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