It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
