I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
