I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize