does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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