I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Randomize
