if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
