Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
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