omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
