I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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