Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
