Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
