New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
This couple is walking their pig around campus
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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