i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
