I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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