My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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