my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
