Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
