I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
only if we run a train.
done.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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