So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
