Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
