Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
