i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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