After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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