i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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