just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
