I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
