Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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