Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
