I swear she didn't look like that last week.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize