Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
