If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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