You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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