Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Boobs are out for the taking
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
