Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
foreskin is a definite game changer
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
