how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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