I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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