did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize