Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think a kid would responsible me up
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
