These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
