Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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