I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
