...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
