I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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