There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Everything about him screamed your future.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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