Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
