I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
