Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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