If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
